The most recent - and a question for my readers

Only a couple of weeks ago, I heard of another suicide. This time I didn't actually know the person - he was an ex-husband of a friend of mine. This troubled man drove to his ex-sister-in-law's business where his son also worked, made his own personal "scene" with the people he knew, walked to the parking lot, got in his car and proceeded to shoot himself in the heart in front of his son and his ex-sister-in-law. He died a few hours later in the hospital. The son is still not recovered.

What this bring to mind for me is the extreme differences in suicides. As someone who has "been there", tried that, I definitely know the kind of depression that it takes to get in the mindset. But I do not understand what would cause someone to act in a manner such as the fellow above. I chose to hide in a hotel room and not be anywhere near my loved ones - in fact that was my one fear, that one of my children would find me. I suppose that maybe some people's pain is not seen as a part of them self but as having been caused by someone else - something external. I don't know, suicide is a very self-centered act (in my opinion) and yes, I suppose everyone who tries or succeeds means to leave behind some sort of "message", but I really just don't get causing that much pain and life long damage to another person you have loved. Isn't the act itself doing that?

Is there some connection between self murder and violence to others for some of the suicides?

Maybe one of you, my yet to be heard from, readers can enlighten me?

My list

Betsy - attempted (drank 1/2 gallon of bleach)

Tim - succeeded (don't recall the details)

John - attempted twice (took pills and alcohol)

Mom - attempted many times (took pills) - succeeded (neglected herself on all levels)

Kathleen - attempted at least twice (took pills)

Me - attempted (took pills)

Karen - attempted at least twice (took pills)

And the most disturbing of all was the 11 year old child of whom I have spoken. This lovely young person, for reasons unknown to everyone who knew him, tied a belt to a low closet rod and then put it around his own neck. It was so low that he could have simply stood up. I'm not naive, I know of the "choking game", but there was no evidence that this is what he was doing. There was no evidence of anything at all - intentional or accidental. Simply the loss of, what to me, was a most beautiful person. The not knowing is really a haunting phenomenon.

I know there are more...but even this short list seems seriously too long.

What occurs to me today are all the people that I have known who have died of more "natural" causes - AIDS, cancer, etc. - didn't get to the depressive point of wanting to end their own lives. They let the disease take its time. Interesting.

A not so gentle reminder

This blog was online for less than one hour when I was very strongly reminded by the deep and overwhelming sadness displayed by my loving daughter that suicide is a very sensitive subject. I completely understand that the memories this topic can bring to the surface may be extremely painful for some and to those of you, I am deeply sorry. That is not the intent here.

Suicide has hurt my heart very deeply. It has also been the cause of rebirth for myself after my own attempt. At times, when it came to my mother it was even a topic that evoked laughter believe it or not. When I was young and had friends who would talk about suicide, it was a very sad and concerning issue. When my ex made his attempt and then called me, it was a very stressful episode - as he meant it to be. When my best friend made attempts after the loss of her son, it was an era of desperation for me. When the child I spoke of died, it was a complete devastation for me and both of my children.

What I am trying to express is that the topic of suicide can, and will, bring up the full gamut of emotions - and that is exactly what I am hoping to read and feel in the comments posted here.

I know there will be unbearable sadness for some, and hope of new beginnings for others. There also will be everything in between I suspect. Let us all say what it is about suicide that has touched us.

Day One - A new venture

The time has come for me to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. I have been talking about writing a book titled Suicide Notes for many years and have even laid down some preliminary notes/layout/concept construction but never made it past that point. I am moving forward now and humbly ask for your, the anonymous reader's, assistance.

The premise of Suicide Notes is not only actual suicide notes (any that people are willing to share would be greatly appreciated - be they yours or ones you have been gifted), but also, and maybe more importantly, notes ON suicide.

Why suicide? Well, I suppose I should tell you a little about myself to get things rolling. I have been surrounded by suicide and the talk of it for as long as I can remember. My mother was a staunch supporter of Dr, Kvorkian and fought for the legal right to access to a "Suicide Pill" for the terminally ill (but she also believed and passed this on to me, that everyone should have this right for whatever reason - her fight just had to have a beginning). Later, over 22 years ago, she began making her own threats which lead to her being a multi-attempt kind of person. The threats got to be a daily occurrence and with nothing left to do but converse on the topic, I researched all there was to know about suicide and methods of attaining a "successful" outcome. She never really succeeded unless you consider a slow suicide to still be a suicide (and I just may).

I have had friends who were successful. I have known a beautiful 11 year old child who died by his own hand but we will never know what he had intended, or if his death was a complete accident.

Persoanlly, I too have made an attempt. After all the above mentioned research, I was certain that I had the proper recipe and could not fail. Was it Divine Intervention that caused me to wake up the next day when there was no medical explanation as to why I did? Quite possibly. But this really isn't about my own experience, although I am more than willing to share it with you, my gentle reader, in as much detail as I can.

All of this - my thoughts, experiences, beliefs, dreams, fears, hopes - will come out here in cyberspace. Ah, how safe it is to be a blogger, eh? I ask that you also share your story so that I can compile an interesting knowledge base for my prospective book.

I genuinely welcome your questions, comments, and deepest secrets. We have all been there in some manner. How has suicide affected you?