The time has come for me to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. I have been talking about writing a book titled Suicide Notes for many years and have even laid down some preliminary notes/layout/concept construction but never made it past that point. I am moving forward now and humbly ask for your, the anonymous reader's, assistance.
The premise of Suicide Notes is not only actual suicide notes (any that people are willing to share would be greatly appreciated - be they yours or ones you have been gifted), but also, and maybe more importantly, notes ON suicide.
Why suicide? Well, I suppose I should tell you a little about myself to get things rolling. I have been surrounded by suicide and the talk of it for as long as I can remember. My mother was a staunch supporter of Dr, Kvorkian and fought for the legal right to access to a "Suicide Pill" for the terminally ill (but she also believed and passed this on to me, that everyone should have this right for whatever reason - her fight just had to have a beginning). Later, over 22 years ago, she began making her own threats which lead to her being a multi-attempt kind of person. The threats got to be a daily occurrence and with nothing left to do but converse on the topic, I researched all there was to know about suicide and methods of attaining a "successful" outcome. She never really succeeded unless you consider a slow suicide to still be a suicide (and I just may).
I have had friends who were successful. I have known a beautiful 11 year old child who died by his own hand but we will never know what he had intended, or if his death was a complete accident.
Persoanlly, I too have made an attempt. After all the above mentioned research, I was certain that I had the proper recipe and could not fail. Was it Divine Intervention that caused me to wake up the next day when there was no medical explanation as to why I did? Quite possibly. But this really isn't about my own experience, although I am more than willing to share it with you, my gentle reader, in as much detail as I can.
All of this - my thoughts, experiences, beliefs, dreams, fears, hopes - will come out here in cyberspace. Ah, how safe it is to be a blogger, eh? I ask that you also share your story so that I can compile an interesting knowledge base for my prospective book.
I genuinely welcome your questions, comments, and deepest secrets. We have all been there in some manner. How has suicide affected you?
Teen Suicide Notes - From The Onion
A pair of teen suicide notes, corrected by New York Times copy editor Edward Stimson. Stimson called the error-riddled notes "disturbing."
I am a survivor. A survivor of life. A survivor of rape, incest, beatings,homelessness, neglect and emotional blackmail. I am a former wife and a former mother. A former human being. My first suicide attempt was at the age of 15, an after-the-fact rape, where the rapist finished with me and tried to shoot me. I took a bottle of amphetamines. Poor choice. At the end of my marriage to my horribly abusive ex-husband, I took 30 sleeping tablets, got into my car and tried to drive off a 5,000 foot drop. Unfortunately, I only succeeded in falling asleep and totaling my car. Next I moved on to re-marrying. He was wonderful. We had a child. My husband had a medical condition and blacked out at the wheel. Travelling at a high rate of speed, I tried to gain control of the vehicle, but pulled it off-road to avoid a head-on collision. My little boy, seven and a half months old was killed, but suffered for four hours first. Now I'm a murderer. I tried jumping off a bridge a few months ago, but was caught by the police. I lost my job while they forced me to "get help." I have to question (what I feel) is your self-righteous attitude that suicide is "self-centered," and that people want to leave a "message." I have no hidden agendas. I forgive the people who have hurt me; I realize that life is what it is. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. And that good and bad cycle, so the hard times I may go through, will give way to some good ones too. I absolutely believe that some (perhaps even most) suicide attempts are made by either people who are attention seeking or just ambivalent, and waiting for something better to come along in their lives. I am curious to know what you think about people like me, who just want peace. No one will be hurt when I leave this life. I don't plan on leaving a scathing note to anyone who has caused me suffering and laying the blame of my death on them. Suicide (in my opinion) should is about me, and what I feel is my own best option, what makes me happy. True, we may not really know what lays ahead on the 'other side.' It could be worse. It could be heaven. So, if I believe, that when I die, there will be peace or maybe even nothing at all, why would I choose to continue to live here? Where I have had so much to carry. Although my motivation is not necessarily altruistic, I hardly think I should be labeled as 'self-centered.' I'm not interested in this world, even if there are good things "right around the corner."
ReplyDeleteDear Kind Reader,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story. Please know that I respect everyone's opinions and that when I made the comment in another post about suicide being "self-centered", I was coming from my perspective that to each and every human being, everything that happens is all about them. My life is all about me, yours all about you, my children's all about each of them, etc. I happen to agree with you that many attempts and successful suicides are not about other people (or the leaving of a "message" per se), but simply the act of moving beyond this plane, that we call life, voluntarily.
My very first post explains how my mother raised me to believe that this was our right - the right to choose life and the right to choose death. I still believe this. I also believe (and this is nothing more than my humble opinion) that we all write our own movie, metaphorically speaking. If you agree with this premises then it follows that suicide is the final act that you have scripted - hence my use of the term "self-centered". I just re-read your post and you also say that "suicide should be about me". That is where I was coming from...and I agree.
You ask my opinion on people who just want peace. I completely understand it as that was where my head was at when I made my own attempt. I did choose to leave a note because I would be leaving behind 2 teenagers that would have to deal with the loss - even if I truly felt, in that moment, that it was in their best interest.
I would be interested to hear what Casey (one of the other posters and a nurse who has done quite a bit of research on the subject of suicide) would say to my statement that probably most suicide attempts are attempts at finding peace. When you think about it, isn't that what we all hope for each and every day? And, I know first hand that there are days when it feels as if the only avenue to peace is death. I am far from an expert on the subject, but I would say that you are "normal" :)
My heart goes out to you. Your generous sharing of all that you have endured has deeply touched me. I can not imagine the loss of a child...though, I would never call you a murderer. You were trying to SAVE lives that day.
I welcome more comments from you and hope that your path takes you exactly where it is that you desire.
Stacey
I've thought about suicide for as long as I can remember. Not because I wanted to die, but because my father shot himself in our living room when I was 5 years old.
ReplyDeleteI think that survivors of parental suicide spend alot of time in their lives wondering if they too, have the suicide gene in them. I know I did, and sometimes still do.
It's not that life is too tough, or that I don't deserve to live; I just sometimes wonder is this all worth it. Wouldn't it just be nice to not have to endure another day.
Frankly in years past; the only reason I haven't gone ahead and pulled the trigger myself, so to speak, is that I don't want my two children to have to cope with the thought, "Do I have the suicide gene too?"
The world is a pretty cool place most of the time, I just wish I didn't have to experience it from inside my head.
Dear Kind Reader,
ReplyDeleteA suicide gene...that is an interesting concept to be sure. I wonder if it is more a case of a nurture (as opposed to nature) kind of thing though. I was adopted but had my mother constantly threatening suicide throughout my life. As children, what we see and hear in our homes can become "normal" even when we see that other households act in completely different ways. In my situation, I had a number of friends who also had parents with some odd tendencies so I just thought that my mother's suicidal ones were HER norm. And eventually they became mine as well.
I wouldn't worry so much about the "gene" as I would about the perception of what is ok for a parent to do could then be ok for a child. (Again, please remember that I am not a doctor of any kind and this is simply my opinion). Even though I attempted suicide, I have made a point of teaching my children (now young adults) that it was a mistake (albeit a HUGE one) and that as I came out on the other side - from what I call "The Point of No Return" - I awoke a new person; one who lives in gratitude and love on a daily basis. My kids knew what drove me to PONR, and how I dealt with life afterward and I am confident that they will not walk that path. Nurture - not nature.
I once had a therapist tell me that we all have strange and even violent thoughts but the ones who need help are the ones who act on them. Thinking that it would be so much easier to check out is simply that, a thought. Focus on how cool life is most of the time, remember that when it isn't, there is a lesson to be learned and get yourself out in the world interacting with other people (we are social creatures after all) so that you can live less in your head and more in the moment. (Trust me, I understand this concept all too well and have to work daily at it - but have found that there is SO much more joy when you do!)
Please let me know if my response is at all on track...and thank you for writing!
Namaste,
Stacey